


Proof of Life

by Kate_Shepard



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Headcanon, Hospitalization, Light Angst, Religion, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:48:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27159554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Shepard/pseuds/Kate_Shepard
Summary: After years of clandestine ops and now a Spectre, Commander Shepard was no stranger to high-stakes missions. This, though, promised to be the most high-risk, high-reward operation she’d ever run.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Comments: 10
Kudos: 19





	Proof of Life

Shepard straightened her collar and took a deep breath to steady herself. Loaded for bear, she stared at the dull grey door, half-expecting a pack of varren to leap at her when it opened. After years of clandestine ops and now a Spectre, she was no stranger to high-stakes missions. This, though, promised to be the most high-risk, high-reward operation she’d ever run. 

She checked her supplies for the fifth time and waved her hand over the door. It hissed at her, opening like the jaws of a hungry thresher maw. Cautiously, every sense on high alert, she entered the harvester’s den. 

“Shepard. Hey. Wow, that’s a lot of stuff. What have you got there?” The voice, honeyed whiskey poured over thunder, went straight to her belly, setting off a flock of eagles storming through her.

Charging krogan? Too easy. Rampaging brute? No problem. Taking down a human Reaper on foot? All in a day’s work.

Trying to fix things between herself and Kaidan? Scariest moment of her life since Akuze.

“Hey. I, um…you got a minute?”

Kaidan shifted in the bed and motioned her over. “More than. Stay as long as you want if you’ve got a steak sandwich and a beer in there?” he asked hopefully.

“Close, but no dice,” she said, putting the bag on the floor by her chair and taking a seat.

“Color me intrigued,” he said. 

His voice was light, but she knew him. She saw the tension in his jaw, the shutters over his eyes, the subtle angle of his body away from her. She was close enough to feel the heat radiating from him and the familiar hum of his biotics, but there might as well have been light years between them. 

Summoning the courage that had taken her through thresher maw attacks and battling Reapers and Collector bases and skirmishes on alien moons, she reached into the bag.

“Your middle name is Yuri. Your parents are Karen and Kristof. Your sister is Kendra. The first time she and I talked, she asked what I’d do if I woke up and had a tail. I told her I guessed I’d just fit my name.”

Kaidan cocked his head, his brow furrowing. “Shepard, what are you…?”

“You grew up in Vancouver, but your home was the orchard your grandparents had. Your favorite thing about it was the cherry trees, but they wouldn’t let you help with harvest because you ate more than you kept. Which, admittedly, isn’t too hard of a guess since you’ve got that tattoo on your side, but the roots I can’t see enclose a heart because home is where the heart is.”

She reached into the bag and drew out a vacuum-sealed pack of Rainier cherries. His eyes lit, and he reached for them before he could stop himself, opening the pack like a child unwrapping a Christmas present. Plucking one from the package, he popped it into his mouth and groaned, his head falling back against the pillow. She reached into the bag again but waited, letting him enjoy the moment.

“Shepard. This is…. I don’t know what this is. Thank you.” 

She ran her thumb over the beads clutched in her palm, her fingers wrapped around it so he couldn’t see. “You went to parochial school before you joined the military. We’re both Catholic. Liara found this in my armor.” She held up her hand, letting the crucifix dangle from her fist, the amber beads the color of his eyes gleaming warmly in the window light. “It was hanging beside the bed in my cabin. I grabbed it when the alarms sounded because you were already up, and I didn’t want you having to waste time going back for it because it was your grandmother’s. Then I realized the ship was going down and I didn’t think to give it to you. I expected to be able to when we were rescued.”

Kaidan’s gaze locked on the rosary, his eyes following the crucifix like it was hypnotizing him. “I thought it was gone,” he whispered. 

She passed it to him, careful not to let their fingers touch. She couldn’t stand it if he pulled away. He clutched it in his hand, pressing it to his lips and squeezing his eyes shut for a long moment. The heirloom was somewhat valuable on its own but priceless to him. 

“You play classical piano because your mother wanted you and Kendra to learn. Kendra plays cello.”

“You would joke that we were halfway to an orchestra with your violin thrown in,” he said quietly.

She went into the bag again and brought out a datapad filled with movies. “Your favorite vids are campy horrors, the more outlandish the better. And when you have a migraine coming on, you get this little crease right here.” She pointed to the spot on herself, still not confident he’d welcome her touch.

He took the datapad and stared at it, his face clouding. “I want to believe you, Shepard. I really do. But the woman I knew, _Cat_ , would have died before joining Cerberus.” She tried to ignore the pang in her chest as he continued. “Those are all things that could be learned, inferred, guessed at, or obtained from recordings from the _Normandy_.”

“You believe you’re damned.”

His head snapped up. He stared at her, hope and disbelief battling on his face. He reached for her but let his hand drop. 

“Why?” he asked. “Only one person in the galaxy knows that. Tell me why.” 

The first time they’d put in on the Citadel after Ash died, they’d found a tiny little chapel tucked away in the Presidium. They’d gone in together, prayed for her soul and their own, and lit a candle for her.

Walking back, they’d stopped at the railing overlooking one of the fountains. He’d shown her the rosary then, explained its connection to his family. But there was something lurking deep in his eyes she couldn’t decipher. 

_‘Don’t know why I bother, to be honest,’ he said._

_‘With what?’_

_‘Any of it, really. It’s not like He’s listening to me. I’ve long since accepted I’m damned.’_

_‘I’m excommunicated,’ she told him. ‘Don’t know if He’s listening to me, either. Why do you think you’re damned?’_

_‘Why are you excommunicated?’_

_‘My priest believed that mercy killing was a sin. I disagreed. Told him he might feel differently if he had to lie in the dark and listen to dead men,_ friends _, colleagues, people you’d been joking with hours before screaming in agony while they died slow deaths. He said it wasn’t my decision to make and what if that suffering was bringing them to God and I’d cut it short? I told him if God couldn’t anticipate me and work around it, He wasn’t very powerful and that if He’d allow people to go through that just to get their worship, He’s a sadist not worth following. It went downhill from there.’_

_‘Jeesh. That’s…I’m sorry, Cat. That’s an impossible choice.’_

_‘Story of my life. So, what’s yours?’_

_‘Remember what I told you about Vyrnnus?’_

Shepard said, “You weren’t protecting Rahna. You didn’t lose control of your biotics. You lost control of _yourself_. You knew you’d kill him, but you snapped. You weren’t in fear for your life. You were angry. You believe you intentionally murdered him.”

“Cat,” he breathed. She could see the wheels turning in his head, calculating, wondering, analyzing the likelihood that Cerberus could have gotten footage of that exact conversation at that precise point with no cameras. At least, none either of them had noticed. “Cat?”

“It’s me.”

“You…how?”

“I don’t know, exactly. What I do know is that I woke up after two years, and I tried to find you. I went to Anderson as soon as I got the ship. I’d done nothing for Cerberus to that point but verify the Collector threat. I asked to be reinstated. The Council nominally agreed but with no real support. The Alliance didn’t at all. They didn’t want to deal with the Collectors. No one was willing to do anything but Cerberus. You know me, Kaidan, just as much as I know you. I wouldn’t have done it for anything less, but I’d ally with the devil himself if it meant stopping the Reapers.”

“There had to be other ways,” he began.

“There weren’t. I tried. Every door was closed to me.” She shifted in her seat, bowing her head before looking up at him. “You don’t have to agree with me, K. You don’t even have to understand it. All I ask is the one thing I still won’t ask for after Akuze. Forgive me. Let me come home.”

He looked around at the things on the bed for a long moment. Turning to face her, he stared at her for long enough that her heart sank into her belly, and she decided to leave. Just as she reached for the bag, he spoke.

“I want to.”

“But you can’t,” she said resignedly.

“I can try.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Kaidan's backstory is something I've wanted to explore for awhile now. This introduces my version. Shepard is my Caterina Pastore (Shepherd in Italian), a not-quite-canon OC I've been waiting to use for a long time but hadn't found the right fit for until I played her in-game and realized she was head over heels for our favorite Canadian biotic.


End file.
